


hold tightly on

by BadWolf303



Category: General Hospital
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 08:27:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolf303/pseuds/BadWolf303
Summary: She kissed her back, sure. She seemed to enjoy it. But there was something written all over Sam’s face that scared Carly anyway. “I only did that to shut you up,” she said, forced a laugh. “It worked.”





	hold tightly on

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anotherthief](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherthief/gifts).



> I gifted this piece to anotherthief, but credit where credit is due: thanks for the brainstorming, the beta-ing, the general suggestions and for writing the very end.

She would like to think that something was always there. That they were destined from the start. That despite the hatred, the scheming, the verbal and physical violence...

But no. No.

The story wasn't that nice.

Sometimes things don't start at the beginning.

~~~

Maybe it started when Sam was still in denial. Carly was already somewhere closer to acceptance.

(Closer, but not quite. Because how does she accept that her best friend, the one person who held her up all these years, the  _ one person _ who loved her unconditionally without restraint, was gone?)

Husbands came and went. Even her own children sometimes saw through her to the bad person she tried to hide from them. Jason always stayed. Jason never wavered.

Sam probably knew the feeling.

Carly took the broken tether, the one that attached her to Jason for so long, and threw the other end towards Sam. There was no one left to hold Carly up, so she put all her energy into holding Sam up, instead.

Jason was gone, but his family was here, and broken, and Carly held Jason's little boy while Sam finally got some sleep, and as Danny's blue eyes (too much like Jason's) blinked up at her, she made a promise. She would take care of them for Jason until....

_ Until what, Carly? _

Maybe Sam wasn't the only one good at denial.

~~~

Some days, Josslyn proved to be a little hell beast. (She was Carly's daughter, after all.)

Some days, Carly could handle it.

Other days, she wanted to scream.

It came as a surprise to all of them that the first to lose their head in frustration and snap at the little girl was Sam. (Carly figured it might have had more to do with the way Carly infiltrated Sam's space for the sake of supporting her through her grief; she really did think Sam could try and at least seem a little more grateful.)

" _ Josslyn _ !" Sam shouted, during a particularly nasty preteen hissy fit.

Carly was about to yell right back at Sam to mind her own damn business. (Even though--in the name of Jason--Carly made all of Sam's business her own.)

But Sam, with dark narrowed eyes pointed at fierce middle schooler rage, commanded, "Take a breath and count to ten."

Sam and Josslyn counted together, staring, both refusing to blink, but then exhaled.

Carly, in that moment, forgot how to breathe.

Maybe she wasn't holding Sam up.

Maybe they were holding up each other.

But, no, that wasn't right either. Because Sam had always been there. For Michael. For Morgan. In a town where there were more  _ almost-but-not quite _ -step parents than actual parents, Sam spent an inconsistent-but-consistent time helping raise Carly's children.

While Carly's older sons would grieve and miss Jason, he had taught them enough to get by. Carly worried Josslyn would suffer without his help; she worried that she couldn't raise a child without Jason.

She forgot she had always had Sam.

So when Danny got sick (Danny got  _ so _ sick; Carly had not been that worried since Josslyn was in a place too familiarly similar) and Sam found her long lost father, it was Carly who went to Sonny to make demands.

"I will kill that son of a bitch myself someday," she told him. "But you do not so much as touch Julian Jerome until we  _ know _ , until we figure out  _ how _ Danny won't need him or his goddamn bone marrow."

She made Sonny agree. For Sam.

Carly didn't even think about Jason.

~~~

Sam moved on with Patrick. Carly tried to convince herself she could with Franco.    
  
She made mistake after mistake before finding herself back in Sonny’s bed.    
  
Some people move on better than others.    
  
~~~

The first time Jason came back, everything should have been perfect.    
  
It was Carly who discovered it. It was Carly who placed the metaphorical (because they’ve also dealt with literal) bomb in the middle of a wedding. Jake’s wedding. No,  _ Jason’s _ wedding. 

That was the wrong bit, but it always was when Elizabeth was in the picture.    
  
What happened next was a shifting of all the pieces that were broken when Jason died and rearranged themselves when he was gone. They tried to shift back.

They did, at least on paper.   
  
Carly married Sonny; Sam married Jason.    
  
Everything back to the way it should have always been.    
  
Only, somehow, Carly felt farther away from Sam (and Jason, she kept reminding herself) than she was used to. She had gotten used to a lot of things while Jason was gone. 

It wouldn’t be until much later that she realized how much they all did.    
  
~~~   
  
When Jason came back-- _ again _ \--Carly thought it would all finally make sense. Things would actually shift back into place, the right way, and she would finally feel at peace.    
  
Sam was wrong with Drew. Drew was the wrong piece for all of them.    
  
Carly was convinced that was the problem. Drew being Drew and not Jason was the reason her life was good but felt... _ off _ .    
  
She threw everything she had into making things, this time, fit the right way back together.    
  
~~~   
  
It did not go as planned.    
  
Sam did not go back to Jason this time.    
  
She also did not stay with Drew.    
  
Carly wanted to keep pushing, but lost track of them all as her marriage to Sonny imploded, again. The wrong pieces started crumbling under the weight of expectation.    
  
Carly found herself alone. 

~~~   
  
Only, she wasn’t alone. Not on that stormy spring day in May when everyone else gathered at the Nurse’s Ball, and Carly just wanted to drink. 

Seemed like Sam was on the same page.    
  
So they drank. And drank. And drank some more. Until Carly accused, “You ruined everything, you know. Jason came back, and we both let him down.”    
  
She expected Sam to smack her. Or at least to ready herself for verbal battle, a lost pastime of theirs that had disappeared when friendship happened. She did not expect Sam to take a long sip of her whiskey, smile, and say, “It’s not our fault. We didn’t need him that way anymore.”    
  
“How can you even say that?”    
  
“Because it’s true,” Sam said. “And you know it.” 

“You’re full of shit.” Only, she wasn’t. “You love him.”    
  
“So do you,” Sam said. “But I’m a different person now. God, Carly, we spent years working our asses off to move on.”    
  
“With Patrick? Drew?”    
  
“Sonny?  _ Franco? _ ” 

“That wouldn’t have happened if Jason was here.”    
  
“But he wasn’t,” Sam said. “And you survived it.”    
  
Carly’s head was spinning. She didn’t want to drink anymore. “I still had you,” she said, because that was true. “And I have you because of Jason.”    
  
The glare Sam gave her could kill a weaker person. “You hated me because of Jason. You have me because you’re stubborn and wouldn’t go away once he was gone.”    
  
“You needed me,” Carly pointed out. “Admit it.”    
  
Sam took another sip, before tilting her head in agreement. “I did. I do.”    
  
“More than Jason?”    
  
Sam was quiet for a long moment, eyes turning haunted in a way that Carly always understood. They both had a long, complicated relationship with past history. They were both now well respected citizens, but they both would never fully be able to overcome the times they weren’t. They both loved hard, but would always remember the times they made all the wrong decisions.    
  
“Yeah,” Sam finally said, fog lifting from her eyes, past disappearing for the present. “I think I do.”    
  
~~~   
  
Weeks later, Kristina called her name from across Kelly’s. Carly couldn’t remember the last time they spoke. Another almost-step daughter more times than Carly could count, another child-now-adult in this town with a lot of almost-families floating around. 

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. How’ve you been?”    
  
Carly almost didn’t answer. She didn’t know how to make small talk with this grown adult who was once an almost step-child, once a sister to the son Carly lost. “Hi yourself. Wow, you look great. Time away from Port Charles has done you good.”    
  
“I was actually just with Sam at the park. I was spending time with Avery, so Sam, Scout and Danny came with us,” Kristina said. “Sam mentioned next time she wanted to call you. Said you might like some time with my little sister.”    
  
Avery. Another almost-step child. 

This town was haunted with almost-families.    
  
Carly swallowed. “I really would.”    
  
Kristina’s eyes narrowed slightly. Carly felt as though she was being studied by a girl she once knew well, but hardly knew now at all. It was slightly unnerving. “Sam talked about you a lot, you know.”    
  
“Oh,” Carly said, blinking. “We’ve gotten pretty close.”    
  
Kristina  _ hmm _ ’ed.    
  
Carly wasn’t used to feeling this off-kilter. God damn those Davis girls’ genes. “Why?”    
  
“Just nice to see Sam happy. She’s been in such a constant state of limbo for too long, you know?” Kristina said.    
  
“Yeah. I know.”    
  
Kristina smiled. No, she  _ smirked _ . “Yeah. I bet you do.” 

Months later, Carly would replay that moment in her head over and over and over, trying to figure out what it was that Kristina knew that took Carly by surprise when it happened.    
  
~~~   
  
When they finally kissed, it was in the middle of a fight.    
  
(Because of course it was. They were still  _ them _ , after all, kiss notwithstanding.)    


Sam tasted like tequila as she bit Carly’s lip.    
  
They pulled away panting, and Carly had never seen Sam’s eyes look so big in her head. She kissed her back, sure. She seemed to enjoy it. But there was something written all over Sam’s face that scared Carly anyway. “I only did that to shut you up,” she said, forced a laugh. “It worked.”    
  
Sam swallowed. Carly’s eyes followed the movement of her throat.    
  
(Her hands were still cradling Sam’s face.)    
  
“Was that the only reason why you did it?”    
  
“Yeah,” Carly said. “No.”    
  
“You can’t win fights like that in the future.”    
  
“But it worked.”    
  
“It won’t always.”    
  
“Does that mean--”    
  
“I don’t know,” Sam interrupted. She laughed, and the sound pierced somewhere deep inside Carly. It wasn’t a good sound. “Does everything in my life have to be so confusing?”    


Carly almost said,  _ this is different _ . Almost said,  _ can we do that again.  _ _  
_ _  
_ Instead, she said nothing. Because Sam’s life may have been a series of confusing loops she had been jumping through, but no one was more confused about this than Carly. No one wanted an explanation more than Carly. 

The more she said nothing, the angrier Sam got. “Why did you?” 

“You kissed me back.”    
  
“You took me by surprise. Jason--”    
  
“Is my best friend. Was.  _ Is _ . I don’t…This isn’t about him, Sam, Jesus.”    
  
Nothing was scarier than all of five foot nothing of Sam suddenly dark and intense in Carly’s face. “You’ve been pushing me at him for...for  _ months _ . You were relentless. You were...you hurt Drew! You hurt me! All in Jason’s name! What would Jason think about--”    
  
“ _ This isn’t about him! _ ” It echoed throughout the Metro Court. Shrill and desperate and angry.    
  
They were squared off in a familiar dance, hurt and confused and mad, breathing in each other’s spaces. Sam’s eyes, dark and full of fire, were glossy. Wet. Caly didn’t know what it meant, only knew it stung that kissing her was the reason it was there. 

“Don’t…” The word choked off as Sam closed her eyes to catch her composure. “Don’t do it again.”    
  
_ The kiss, Sam? Or all of it? _ _  
_ _  
_ Carly said nothing. Sam downed the rest of her drink and walked out the door.    
  
~~~   
  
Sam used her children as shields. Carly sure as hell wasn’t going to be starting anything in front of a little curly tow headed boy who had Jason’s eyes and smile. 

So she said nothing as Danny gave Jason a hug, as Sam carried both her baby girl and bags of food out the diner door. 

“How is Sam?” Jason asked once she was gone, as he and Carly pushed food around their plates at Kelly’s pretending like there wasn’t five years of change and growth and distance between them.    
  
Carly shrugged. It had been weeks of deflection and avoidance. “Busy, I guess. You could always ask her yourself.”    
  
Jason’s eyes were sad. “I think we’re long past that.”    
  
It was true, and it was devastating. None of that was Jason’s fault. 

Anything that happened next  _ would _ be Carly’s. 

It wasn’t unusual for her to enter a room and leave destruction in her wake when she left it, but as she got older (as she grew in ways that made the gulf between her and Jason palpable, in ways that made her and Sam painfully in orbit) she made promises to only commit damage that was worth the outcome. 

“For all the pain that came after. And during. And, hell, before…” she began, forcing herself to make eye contact with Jason. “Do you regret falling in love with Sam?”   
  
“No. Not for a second.”  
  
“Well, I mean, don’t be ridiculous. Think about it. You would sure save yourself a lot of hurt if you could go back and change it.” 

“Yeah, but...what would be the point?” 

“To not be hurt!” It bothered her that after everything, after years and growth and change, he still looked at her like he could see right through her. “Never mind. Forget it. I’ve got a lot on my mind.” 

Jason said nothing, not that she expected him to. Instead, he reached across the table to take hold of her hand. 

It bothered her, too, that it was no longer the comfort it had been before. 

~~~   
  
“God damn it, Carly, just leave me alone.”    
  
“No, Sam. It has to be bothering you. Just talk to me. You can talk to me.”    
  
Sam was drunk. Drew was getting married. Carly heard from Lulu who heard while working on a story for Peter. (Or was it Henrik now? Carly didn’t really pay much attention to that mess.) 

That didn’t matter. What mattered was if Carly was hearing about the engagement, Sam most definitely heard about the engagement. Sam might have been the one to leave Drew, but Drew was the one with memories that belonged to Sam and not to him, that violated her in a way that wasn’t his fault, that made everything worse when he ended up with actual memories that didn’t include her at all.    
  
How does anyone compete with the kind of history and pasts that ran deep but suddenly did not run together?    
  
“Jesus Christ, Sam, stop being so--”    
  
“Go away,” Sam slurred, pressing her palm against Carly’s chest in an attempt to push her away. Only, she didn’t push Carly away. She just kept her hand there, curling her fingers into Carly’s collarbone, fingernails scratching desperately against flesh until Carly stepped closer and Sam grabbed the fabric of her shirt instead. “Go away,” she said again, even as she held on tighter.    
  
“I can’t.” Carly’s voice was a whisper, as Sam’s face got closer, Sam’s breath warm against her skin. 

“Me either,” Sam confessed, and then kissed the confession to Carly’s lips. 

Carly was the first to pull away. “You’re drunk.”    
  
“Very.”    
  
“You’re lonely.”    
  
“Don’t rub it in.”    
  
“Don’t you dare use me.”    
  
“I’m the one who’s drunk. Who’s using who?”    
  
This woman was impossible. “I’m taking you home.” 

~~~   
  
“Your sister is impossible.”    
  
Lucas looked up from the files he was reading. Maybe the hospital wasn’t the best place for this conversation, but Carly saw him standing there and just had to start talking. 

Lucas would understand.    
  
(Part of her was relieved to know that he would. The other part was hoping her brain would convince her mouth to shut the hell up before he was able to.) 

He smiled when he saw her. “Talking about yourself in the third person is a little weird, Carly.”

“Sam is driving me up a wall.” 

He sighed a well worn look her way, with a small shake of his head that said he knew his sister (this one, her, Carly) better than most. “Impossible by your definition or everyone else’s?”    
  
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”    
  
“Are you trying to make her bend to your latest plan to put her and Jason back together, or is she digging her heels in over something else?”    
  
Okay. So that kind of hurt. Because that was the accusations Sam threw at her first, and Lucas was saying it sober. “Something else.” 

“Sam doesn’t like to be backed into a corner, Carly. She likes having space. Try just giving her some before you go back on the offensive of whatever this is.”    
  
Maybe Lucas knew both his sisters pretty flawlessly.    
  
“It’s not just about her.”    
  
“You said it’s not about Jason. Don’t tell me you’re trying to get her to go after Drew.”    
  
Her jaw clenched. She didn’t mean to give so much away with such a small movement of her mouth. 

Lucas was always so perspective. Understanding came too quickly into his eyes. “Oh.”    
  
She wasted no time, words spilling from her mouth the same time her feet moved her closer to the elevator. “I have to go. Let’s get lunch sometime. I’ll talk to you later, Lucas.” 

~~~   
  
Jake woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache that sounded too much like appendicitis for anyone’s liking. Elizabeth was already waiting at the hospital when Carly arrived at Jason’s to stay with Danny.    
  
Jason was still so new to his rekindled fatherhood. Panic was in his voice and his eyes as he buckled Jake into the car. “I left messages with Sam, but it’s the middle of the night, and you answered first, and--” 

“I’ll keep trying her cell,” Carly said. “Danny is safe with me. Go.”    
  
Danny’s gentleness was so different from Sam’s, so different from Jason, as he curled with complete trust into Carly’s lap and fell back asleep. 

Carly nodded off shortly after, her fingers caught in thick blonde curls as she stroked his head. 

That was how Sam found them, cuddled together on Jason’s couch, sound asleep until Sam shut the door and Carly opened her eyes with a gasp as she tried to put together her surroundings. 

“Shh, hey, it’s just me,” Sam’s voice was so soft. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

The boy on Carly’s lap was still sleeping, and when Sam crossed the room to sit beside them, Carly was surprised she chose the side of the couch that pressed her into Carly’s side instead of the one with Danny. Sam reached over to run a hand through her son’s hair before settling her weight against Carly. “Is Jake okay?” she asked. “I woke up to like a hundred missed calls. Scared the crap out of me.”    
  
“They don’t think it’s his appendix, last I heard. Which is good. The last thing that kid needs is a hospital stay and operation. I hope it’s just gas.”    
  
Sam let out a small puff of laughter that Carly felt against her neck. “Thanks for sitting with Danny. I’m really happy you were here so he didn’t need to wait around all night at GH.” 

Carly shrugged. “You know I’d do anything for Danny.”    
  
“And for Jason,” Sam added.    
  
Which sounded...wrong. Which  _ was _ wrong. Because Carly was in Danny’s life for more years than Jason. And it wasn’t Jason’s fault, but it didn’t make him the reason that Carly loved this family any longer.    
  
Not since he died and they put back the pieces of their lives. Together. The two of them, and Danny. 

She was going to say that. If Danny wasn’t sound asleep on her lap, she very well might have shouted it. But Sam had that far away look on her face that Carly knew meant maybe she already knew it. Maybe the rest of it was all performative at this stage.    
  
Maybe Sam and Danny were another one of those almost-families in Carly’s life.    
  
“I should go,” Carly said, as her eyes started to burn with tears she refused to let Sam see.    
  
“Don’t,” Sam said, catching Carly’s arm. “Stay.”    
  
It would have been too easy to surrender, the way Sam’s eyes kept fluttering down to look at Carly’s lips, the way Carly was so warm and comfortable between Sam and her little boy. 

Which made her eyes burn more. Which made her a little angry. “You’re not the only one who’s confused, Sam. You’re not the only one the confusion is hurting.”    
  
She accidentally woke Danny as she stood quickly from the couch. Sam was preoccupied by her son (his little sleepy voice asking about his brother, about his dad, about Aunt Carly) to stop Carly from leaving. 

~~~~

Sonny had a custody hearing over Avery. Ava finally got her shit together well enough to be in a place where she was ready for the fight.    
  
Carly wanted to hate her for it, but distance and time and past history had her almost rooting for the other woman. There was just something that pulled at her chest when it came to this mother fighting for her daughter. 

Still, she was there to support Sonny, because if anyone was witness to the way Sonny raised that child (Carly raised that child; the nannies raised that child) it was her. 

The space on the bench between her and Sonny was hard and cold, and she would never understand how they could go from marriage to divorce to marriage to divorce, to child after child after child, and still end up this bitter and empty to one another.    
  
They went back and forth between Sonny and Ava, while Carly sat remembering the little girl who she considered a daughter. How tall was Avery these days? Did she still love wearing sparkly dresses? Was her hair long enough to braid? Did she remember that Carly was the one to sing her to sleep, that Carly was the one who changed her diapers, that Carly was the one who loved her even while the rug got pulled out from underneath her again and again?    
  
Did she even remember Carly?    
  
She was so lost in her thoughts she missed the verdict, but the way Sonny immediately turned on her let her know the results. “You did this!”    
  
_ Did she?  _ _  
_   
“You’ve always been so selfish. You knew that a solid marriage would have tipped the scales in my favor! I  _ told _ you that when you were throwing us away!” 

_ Was that why he kept Avery out of sight ever since? Punishment?  _

“Get out of my face, Carly. I’ll fight this without you. I’m still her father. You’re  _ nothing _ to her.” 

Carly didn’t remember how she got from the courtroom to the bench outside of the courthouse, where she cried hard and unreserved under the bright blue sky and shining sun of that Wednesday afternoon. 

But there she was, and it should have been a bigger surprise than it was when Sam suddenly appeared, kneeling in front of her, those big brown eyes searching for answers. “Carly? What happened? Hey, I’ve got you, Carly, what’s wrong?”    
  
“Why’re you here?”    
  
“I’ve got, like, a million unpaid parking tickets. It’s not important. What’s going on?” Sam sat up on the bench, her hands wiping at the tears still streaming down Carly’s face. Sam’s hands against her skin felt too good.

“Sonny. I mean, Avery. I just…” She blinked back another round of tears, because she slowly realized how easily anyone could see. “And I know that Avery wasn’t mine. I know that keeping her from Ava was wrong, but Sam, I loved her, I really did, and I...God, Sam, I miss her.” 

Sam didn’t laugh, or scoff, or judge. She sat there, looking at Carly with those eyes that Carly had become too accustomed to. 

It gave Carly the strength to continue. “After Morgan died...and I know it wasn’t the same...but it helped to let Avery wrap her little chubby arms around my neck. She wasn’t mine to hold but you know I’ve always been too selfish. And I miss her. And the other night, with Jake in the hospital and Danny asleep on my lap I realized...God, I miss him, too. I was trying to figure out who he reminded me of, because he’s gentler than you, so different than Jason. It just hit me. I just realized. He reminds me of Morgan, when Morgan was little. But not in a way that makes it hurt. In a way that makes me love him even more.” 

“Carly…”   
  
“God, I keep losing people. Is it me? Is that...God, I sound so self-centered. I can’t help it. I lose  _ everyone _ .” 

“That’s not true.”    
  
“Morgan. Sonny. Avery. Jason.” The list was longer than she realized, now that she spelled it out. “God, even you.”    
  
Sam’s hands trembled against Carly’s damp cheeks. “You didn’t lose me, Carly.”    
  
Carly’s laugh was hollow. “You’ve done an awfully good job of convincing me otherwise.” 

Sam didn’t seem to have a good answer to that. “I don’t...know what we’re doing.” 

“What makes you think I ever did?” 

“I’m just…”

“Confused. Right.” Carly shook her head. It was starting to hurt. She needed room to breathe. As much as she hated to admit it, maybe it was time to really take Lucas’ advice. She pushed her palms across her cheeks, brushing away the tears, her walls coming back up once more. “We need space. And you need to go beg a judge to go easy on you and your parking tickets.” 

“Carly…” Sam’s hands moved to wrap around Carly’s sleeves, tangling with the fabric and with Carly’s own fingers. Sam always was so easy with her affections. It made things that much harder to sort through. “I can’t leave you like this.”    
  
“I’ll be fine. I really need you to just...” 

“We keep doing this. We keep...pushing and pulling.”    
  
“Sam,” Carly’s voice sounded like a command, steadier than either of them expected. But she wasn’t the one who was pushing  _ or _ pulling, and she was too tired, she was too hurt, to keep being the one to hold tightly on. “I need you to go.”    
  
~~~   


Josslyn spent all spring begging Carly to let her spend the summer in Australia with Jax. Two days before Josslyn’s flight was scheduled, Carly decided to go, too.    
  
She did not need to see Jax. She did need a break from Port Charles.    
  
So she fucked off for three months, spending time with her daughter, spending time alone.    
  
Her phone rang the second week they were there, but she ignored it. Even as her heart thumped hard in her chest at the sight of Sam’s name.    
  
Lucas would be proud.   
  
~~~ _  
_   
She returned with a tan and a new attitude. 

Port Charles was gray with the after effects of a hurricane petering off as it made its way up the coast. All the well she had grand plans on climbing into her bed and not leaving until the jet lag wore off, so let the sky be as dreary as she felt for once. 

Josslyn--God bless the energy of teenagers--immediately went in search of Oscar, as Carly made a beeline for her yoga pants and clean sheets. 

She moaned into her pillow at the same time the bell rang from her front door.  _ Ignore it, Carly, sleep is better.  _

It rang again, accompanied by a knock this time, and Carly pulled the pillow over her head. “Go away, go away, go away.”    
  
They did not go away.    
  
With a growl and her fuzzy socks, Carly climbed out of the bed to go yell at whoever was at her door. She had a scowl on her face and a threat in her throat as she pulled it open, stopping dead in her tracks as she came face to face with Sam. “Woah,” Sam said. “You look…”    
  
“Jet. Lag,” Carly said through gritted teeth.    
  
Sam smiled, and it was familiar, and warm, and everything that Carly had spent three months trying to get space from. Three months felt so long. This still felt too soon. 

“I saw Josslyn. She said you were back. And I…” Sam shook her head, smile faltering. “I didn’t even know you were leaving. You just…”    
  
“Come in, Sam.” Carly held the door open wider. “I can barely stand up straight.” 

They moved to the couch, with space between them that Carly hated. It seemed too deliberate; Sam never was good at personal space. “I like your socks,” Sam said.    
  
“I was trying to sleep.”    
  
Sam had the good sense to look chagrined. “I…”    
  
“What?”    
  
“God, you’re cranky.”    
  
“I’m tired! I literally landed an hour ago! From  _ Australia! _ ” 

“I guess I just wasn’t expecting you to go across the entire globe to get away from me.”    
  
Carly sighed. She was too tired for this particular conversation. “I said we needed space.”    
  
“Well you sure got it!” 

“Why are you here, Sam? To yell at me? Can I at least get some sleep first?”    
  
Sam breathed heavily through her nose, closing her eyes. Carly could tell, even in her exhausted haze, that this wasn’t going exactly how Sam wanted it to. “I just…”   
  
“You  _ what _ ? Why are you here?” 

“I missed you!” Sam shouted it right into Carly’s face. “God don’t you...I missed you. I don’t know when it happened, but with you gone I just...I realized that I expected you to be there. The men in our lives aside...we really did become friends, didn’t we?”   
  
Carly treaded carefully. “I think...we became more than that.”    
  
“I think I might be falling in love with you.” Sam stopped, shook her head. “No. I think I already did. And I’m not sure when that happened either, just that you were gone and I  _ felt _ it.”    
  
“None of this has to do with Jason,” Carly felt stupid for saying it, even if she felt like it was important. “He was…”   
  
“He was dead,” Sam finished. “And my world fell apart. And you were there.”    
  
Carly nodded. “I know this is confusing. It is for me, too, I’ve never…”   
  
“Well, I’ve never…” Sam stopped short with a small laugh, eyes sparkling through the moisture that filled them. “Well, I mean. I was a con. I did a lot of things I shouldn’t have with men  _ and _ women.” 

Carly laughed, but quickly sobered. “You’re the most stable relationship I’ve had in forever. And still I want...more.”    
  
“You’ve always been too selfish.”    
  
Carly’s eyes snapped to Sam’s, relieved to see the joke there, the way that Sam offered her a small smile even as a tear escaped and dripped down her reddened cheek. “I’m not playing games with you anymore, Sam. I went away for three months to avoid that.”    
  
“You hated me once. And then you made it your mission to throw me at Jason. Both those things changed.” Sam shifted, closing the gap she set between them. “How do I know this won’t? We both have colorful track records. And Jason...”    
  
“This isn’t about Jason,” Carly said. And for once, she meant it.    
  
They were both scared. Carly saw that so clearly. The push and pull, the holding on for dear life. It all stemmed from the same place. 

It was time to make  _ almost _ into  _ always _ . 

“I’ve lost a lot of family throughout the years, Sam. I will fight like hell to keep this one.” 

~~~

It was anything but smooth and easy.    
  
(This was her life, after all. Some things never changed.)    
  
She sometimes still pushed too hard when she should have pulled back, but Sam mostly took it in stride. In one way they were always keenly alike--when they were in, they were all in. Hearts on their sleeves and fire in their eyes.    
  
But she also learned to listen, and listen hard, because she didn’t want to miss any of this, any of  _ them _ . She learned--was learning--to savor moments one at a time. Once you lost a child, you never felt entirely safe again. It was something they both had in common--the shared language between mothers who have buried children, one of grief but also learning how to say, “this beautiful creature existed and belonged to me, how amazing is that?” 

They also had their past. The one with Jason; the one from which they formed something new that only began because the loss of him left them in the dust, standing in shock together. 

Carly once asked Jason if the pain was worth falling in love with Sam. She hoped, even when he saw them together, that he remembered his answer. She now knew her own. 

Yes, there was pain, but it wasn’t only shared wounds. It was also this: 

Laughing and watching Sam chase a streaking toddler through her house, while Carly was on the couch listening to Danny read his first chapter book, and shaking her head at the music blasting from Josslyn’s room overhead.   
  
And it was falling asleep at night, tired but happy, their arms wrapped around each other.

 


End file.
